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YOUR SUMMER ROTH REPORT....

I know who we are going to hire for this summer's block party!!! My favorite part is when he pretends like he is driving during the mandolin solo. I am thinking he will great next to the face painters and dunk tank.

Am I Wrong On Garfield?

Now I know that this is my second post on Garfield in a week, but this is getting under my skin. Why is there a movie for this cat? It's not funny. Think back, have you ever laughed at a Garfield comic? HA, a cat that likes lasagna, BRILLIANT! Where do the writers (I assume multiple as you can't ask just one person to continue to create such comedy) come up with this stuff?

No shit, this is today's comic strip, how is this funny, how can this go on, who is buying this shit?


Next step, a rally against Garfield...

I Know What You Were Asking: "Where's Daryl Hannah?"

Well buddy, you're in luck. She is busy as ever these days...

I can hear her agent now:

"Look Daryl, you haven't done shit in a few years and you want to get some press, right? Well, I don't have much to work with...AH! I've got it! Do you like farms? Ah, it doesn't matter, here's what I need you to do..."

OK, Bill Murray, What Gives?

I'm afraid this will count against you...

This Is Real

One of the sites I read has Dear Abby on it and I normally pay no attention, but this question facinated me:

DEAR ABBY: I have reason to believe that a young man in my family may be gay. (He is 15.) I have been thinking a lot about it lately, and have been wondering if circumcision would cure it. What do you think? -- GRANDMOTHER IN MISSOURI

What's funny is this lady says "I have been thinking a lot about it lately" and all she came up with is cutting up his dick.

The Frogs said it best "Grandma in the corner with a dildo in her hand saying "no, no, no, no, no"

And Not A Moment Too Soon

Mullets are funny

Kill 'Em All!!!!!!

Head banging and the short lived trend of knee scraping. RAWK!

For Those who don't believe in Karma....

I Guess God Wanted To Talk To Him "face to face"

OH NO......NOT MANILOW !

They should try some "Men at Work". They've been driving people away for years.

Better yet, WHO FUCKING CARES? These are kids doing the same shit kids have been doing for 50 years. Kids, cars and music, I don't think Barry Fucking Manilow is going to change that. If he dose and Australia gets some credit for this working, life as we know it will change FOREVER!

Take this quatrain from Nostradamus:

"In a land under the Earth
a man who is low will rein."

Look it up dude, it's true.

So we have two options:

1.) Kill Barry Manilow
2.) Blow up Australia

In true man fashion, I will not be responsible for either since I came up with the idea. So get to work people, we don't have much time.

Say What?

Me thinks Mr. Copperfield is hitting the sauce again.

This Weeks: Good People Award

Jeffrey C. Anderson, 55, was charged with carrying a concealed firearm Monday after he brandished the flare gun, which was under a skirt he was wearing, Key West police spokeswoman Christie Phillips said.

Enough said!

I'm not sure who I'm rooting for here.

After some thought, I would like to see the marmots get some good press out of this and show prarie dogs that they can piss people off too.

Canadian PSA, Round Two

I was going to post only one originally, but this one is too good to keep from you guys. Creamer, anyone?

Louis' Four Day Outlook

I know this clip has been around for ever but it's a piece of art, admire it's beauty.

Was that a stapler at the end?

I guess there is a fine line between comedy and PSA's in Canada.

If we stop looking at porn, the terrorists win.

Sad times.

Better Keep Our Eye On This Guy

Sure, I've dropped all hope for Aykroyd ever since Caddyshack II, but now he has me worried. Don't know what he is up to, but I don't like it. Don't know what to think, just know that I need to be cautious.

Can you feel it?

I've heard of two left feet, but........

I have some questions and I want them answered immediately!

How much money will they waste on gloves?
How many fingernail clippers will he go through in his life?
If he is in fact LEFT HANDED and he can write and throw with both left hands, what will that be called?
Will the joke, "Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!” be upsetting to him?
Instead of saying fifteen will he hold up all three of his hands?
How good of a juggler will he be?
How good of a guitarist will he be?
How good of a traffic cop will he be?
Will pushups be easier for him?
Will soccer be harder for him?

I'm keeping tabs on this kid.

I hope the doctors let him keep his arm so he can realize his full potential.

I ain't 'fraid of no ghost!

We all knew his career went south with Caddyshack 2, but did you ever think it would slide to this?

Do you think he wears the proton pack while narrating?

NAMBLA + Politics = Funny

Gotta hand it to these guys, while I don't agree on their position, at least they have a clear plan...

In response to Frink....

Frink, I read your comment on my last post. Instead of responding in a callous manner, I have decided to take the high road. Enjoy my friend.

P.S. He shot himself. He never hung.

Ta-Ta Tattoo...

Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns

RIP

Looks Like We Have A "Little" Competition

Who Knew?

We're On The Map!

Chebo, I know you like to bring up stories about Indiana like the claw hammer or other "redneckian" conduct, but let us not forget where I live.

This is brilliant and I can't wait to see what happens next. It's obvious that we are working with a professional.

Again, I am SO sorry!

Wow - can't even comment.

Indiana: We're good with tools!

I'M SO SORRY...

I don't mean to do this to everybody, but sometimes the best way to get through a tough time is to discuss it with your friends.

(After posting this, I hope I still have friends.)

Can't get enough Jan? Wock and Woll Santa!

I've added "Losing You" to my Myspace profile. I suggest you do the same.

They got balls for even attempting this...

I decided to use my very first post to get in on the "worst of the worst" action. You're welcome!

I Thought The Stones Were Taking Some Time Off?

There's A Joke Here

But I just don't know where it is...

Please help

THIS JUST IN: THERE IS NO GOD.

Our News, Hard-On At Work

AMAZING DISCOVERY!

An enormous Gene Simmons was spotted at a New Jersey bowling alley. Not to alarm, but this is without a doubt the largest Gene Simmons seen within the continental U.S. Patrons of the bowling alley were left unharmed and uneaten. The only minor injuries suffered were to various eardrums which were witness to the appalling cover of Dr. Love. There was also a handful of children mentally scarred after bowling too close to Gene's cod piece. All victims are expected to make a full recovery.

The images and video displayed on the link are not for those with a weak stomach. Viewer discretion is advised. In addition to The Gene Simmons there is also a freakishly small Ace Frehley. On a positive note, this was one of the first appearances in recent of Viv Savage from Spinal Tap portraying an engaging Eric Carr.

THE AGE OF ENLAUGHTERMENT: WHAT-A-COUNTRY!

Any article that starts off with: "There's a new Yakov Smirnoff in town," is worth posting.

NOTE: Do not click on link, the bastards at the Tribune require registration. Article can be viewed in the comments section.

Mr. Aunt Ester's Cover of the day!!!!

Watch the whole thing, I am warning you.

Good stuff, great voice and interesting choice of wrong chords.

This May Be Bad For My New Restaurant Idea

So, I guess "Big Smelly Vagina" is not a good name for my new eatery?

I Know I'm A Day Late, But...

Is this part of T's "Rolling Thunder" marketing campaign for his new show?

What is it with rappers and planes?

Again, you manage to beat the cops, beat the bullets, but you can't beat the flight attendants?

WORD!

Magic time, Turley style!

What do you think the real story is with his pet "serpentino?"

(Note: Serpentino is not visible in the picture with Ole' Lady Bush.)

Now that the dust has settled...

It's time for Juice to get back to doing what he does best, comedy.

How High Can This Guy Make His Voice

Got the tow truck blues... Ester, some music please???

Everyone say a prayer for Leif....

I have a question, why are we paying AGAIN for this clown to go to a posh rehab center? At this point in the game I think the judge should raffle his ass off to prisoners in exchange for cartons of smokes and various kinds of lubricant. Those materials could be resold at a different prison to offset court costs...

WOW, This is Just Missing A Possessed Little Girl To Make A Great Movie

Sure, the fondling of little alter boys is a bad thing, but this guy is in the top 5!

A FACT OF LIFE: DVD RIP OFF.

Two words -

Where's Tootie?

Like people in Ohio don't have enough to deal with.

I have to side with the guy who got busted on this one.

Diprot, read this and take notes. I don't want to hear about you getting busted by some rogue cop. Although in Fremont, you might be able to get away from the Town Clowns. Hell, you could shoot someone, rob the bank and still get away on your John Deere.

Nothing runs like a Deere!

Come For The Questions, Stay For The Pick-up Lines

David Blaine, I Have A New Challenge For You

How about if we see how long you can stay hidden from the public eye? I hear the world record is close to 75 years, but I'm sure you can beat it.

Get 'em Tiger!

OH THE HUMANITY!

Come on Cali, buck up little guy. Everything is going to be fine. I bet if you had a way to make money off these little guys this wouldn't be happening, would it!

WOULD IT??

Remember when your parents told you that too much sun was a bad thing? California is petri dish full of the most messed up people proving your crazy Mom and Dad right. Thanks California, now I'll never cross my eyes again.

What A Bunch Of Hacks

I'm tired of people trash-talking Americans when Australians are just as bad.

Do these idiots not know that David Blaine is about to hold his breath under water for 9 WHOLE MINUTES!?!?!?!? Not to mention the fact that he's been underwater all frickin week.

A "gold mine." How adorable. Stupid jerk assholes.

Blessed Are The Toilets That Accept Our Pooh

May I propose a new saint? May I? Thank You.

Introducing Saint Christopher Lowell, saint of all things "Fabulous" and overall "TA-DA!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, Ludwig Van NANCY!

How pathetic is this guy?

He actually found a way to lose respect from both sides on this one.
I've seen dogs handle their booze better than this guy.

I'm thinking that there are some missing pieces to this story. Ester and Frink, I need the two of you to fly to Germany as soon as possible to get to the bottom of this story. Mighty and Diprot, if they're not back in 3 days, go after them. If I don't hear from you guys three days after that, save me a seat at the bar.

PEACE Bitches! I mean that, I really do!

You just have to love the Hoosier state!

It's nice to see that since I've been in Denver, things back home haven't changed.

I bet you money that one of us knows someone who knows someone who knows these guys.

I Think We All Can Learn From Mr. Bungle

Makes you think

Cruise News

I hope somebody has a transcript from the marketing meeting when this came up:

"What if somebody thinks it's a bomb?"

"Shut up Larry, you're just jealous you didn't think of it first!"

Are They Helping or Hazing?

AULT, COLORADO - A quiet family town.

Okay, okay the charges of physical abuse I cannot applaud...But breaking the breathalyzer is rather impressive. It's always a shame to me that one good deed can be marred by one bad deed.

Shoddy Journalism

Notice how they never give the title of the movie...She claims that she has bipolar disorder and it wasn't diagnosed at the time of the film. The only way for us to truly know if she really suffered from the disorder is to view the X-rated film. Maybe they could show it to the students, see if she appears differently in the film from the classroom...

WHY? Please tell me WHY?

I just don't get this guy. If someone out there has an answer, please, help me out here.

Floating in a ball of water with an endless supply of air is neither art nor a magic trick. So if this guy is a performance artist\magician, what the HELL is he doing?

I'll tell you what he's doing.....NOTHING!

I don't know how he gets money by doing shit like this, but the person that figured it out is the real magician.

Funny, I Thought Only Her Listeners Suffered This

BOING! HA-ZA! PHEW! POW! ZING!

Another Talent Gone To Waste

My favorite part is the "don't-you-know-who-I-am" stunt.

I bet you a boy band singer is currency in the slammer!

First Name Mister, Middle Name Period, Last Name T!!!!!

I'd be lying if I said that this wasn't a dream of mine. And I quote, "My show ain't no `Dr. Phil,' with people sitting around crying," he said. "You're a fool--that's what's wrong with you. You're a fool if you don't take my advice."
Absolutely brilliant.

Stuck On You...

I don't know what's worse, getting stuck on a toilet seat or taking a shit at a Wal-Mart? To have them both happen is one sign of your "Personal Apocalypse."

What Did I EAT!?!

Who Did Kobe Rape This Time?

Look, I'm tired of hearing these "stories" and "allegations" of professional sports players having lavish sex parties. Sure there are witnesses and photos, but there's no hard evidence.

Here's some evidence that shows Shaq last just a bit longer than Kobe if ya know what I mean. Huh? HUH? Get it? Nudge

Sorry

I Think He Might Be The One

You know what they say, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, and try again."

This chick's hairstyle is probably older than him. Slut.

Compelling Argument

When Car Crashes Are A Good Thing

Not to harp here, but I ran into this little gem while looking for Dana Plato pictures, enjoy.

I thought that this story was as open and shut as they get. Child star turns to drugs, gets wrapped in the "seedy" porn business and OD's.

I think you might be shocked to find out the "truth" as to how she went from, Diff'rent Strokes to DIFFERENT STROKES.

My Bare Lady? FOX, is that really the best you can do?

Let's see if we can't help FOX with a better title:

One Flew In the Cuckoos Nest

PUMP Fiction

and drum roll please......SIT ON ZEN Cane !

Go ahead, try it, it's fun.

ps - What Dana is doing in this scene is called, ACTING!

Jazz for Jesus

A man who dreamed of being a trucker and writing songs about Jesus...Check out the song "Refrigerator Rator."