Way To Vote, Lil' F-Dub

Today the Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette released the results of its "Best of Fort Wayne" voting campaign. Some of the results:

Best Pizza - Pizza Hut

Best Coffee - Starbucks

Best Breakfast - Bob Evans (which narrowly defeated IHOP)

Best 24-Hour Restaurant - IHOP

I hereby retract any defense I may have presented when Men's Health & Abs & Roofies magazine called us the dumbest city in America. Pizza Hut? Are you fist-fucking me? I'm not that great with numbers, but there are no less than 500 local pizza places ON MY BLOCK, and not one was better than Pizza Hut?

Next year, there will be two major changes to this campaign. The first will be the official name change from "Fort Wayne" to "Stripmallia." The second change will remove all voting and combine all categories into one. Next year's winner for "Best Everything" goes to.....Walmart! Hooray! Always!